Confessions of a Suicidal Virgin

Dear Dad,

                 I was at school thinking of you and how you raised me to live with regrets of being born into this cold world. I’m already broken like the first time you broke and shattered my virginity walls, it’s ok though I haven’t told my mum yet and I probably won’t since she doesn’t care anyway. If there was a vivid moment that I remember seeing anything with my youthful eyes it will be when I was just born in the hospital and I must say it was funny. Well it’s funny because I keep thinking wow you just couldn’t wait, you just had to be a pervert and take advantage of my precious lips that starved for a mum’s breast milk. My boyfreind calls me a bitch today and it’s not any different from what you call me when you forcefully let yourself in me. You can blame it on the alcohol but I know you are who you are and you’re very proud of it.

            Sorry I’m writing this letter especially since you disowned me and never looked back after having more kids with another woman. I am broken once again like the time you shattered my virginity walls but I am hoping that this letter will reach you safely. Today mum was arrested today as usual and don’t worry ill find a way to survive. A friend told me I have the natural gifts to survive on these streets. I think this job will be great especially since you untied the ribbons on my natural gift at the crucial moments of my feminine cycle. Sincerely I am writing this letter because I want you to know the pain I felt throughout my youthful years. So when I do kill you, you can understand why I did it as you look from hell where you belong. The devil will definitely recognize you but I will be invincible and blind to your presence as I put a stop to this immorality you are putting upon your other daughters. I may pull the trigger on myself right after I finish you off. I thought I will cut your man hood and put it in your hands, since its always in your hands right before you break into my virginity walls forcefully but for now may your soul rest in peace….

Thank you,

Suicidal Virgin

(inspired by physical abuse, child molestation kept in families and my book "Tales of My Skin")

Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

Spirituality, positivity and stupidity

I was told that we don’t have the luxury of time. So I will like to say what’s on my mind.  I have always wondered where the smart people went. I loved waking up to a healthy business text or something that will fetch me respect in my community. Instead I’m surrounded by irrelevant gossips, wanna be stylists, loose sex heads, old folks that are blind to their ages and don’t inspire the youth but instead they are jealous vessels out to cause destruction for no reason. We are all human and are not perfect, yes indeed but when the stupidity has reached its maximum level then someone needs to speak up.

I have always been told to constantly knock the door of success till it opens up but if I’m surrounded by individuals who are worried by what they are wearing in a year’s event then I might be knocking the door of stupidity and debt. If I join them searching the social sites for loose sex I do know where I would end up but I refuse to, so I’m cleaning out my closet before it happens. When you become successful then all the material things can come easily to your palms but if you chase the materialistic things first then you must not believe in yourself and sadly already believe that you don’t have much to contribute to the world or community.

Lord why do those who make sense seem to be far away from me? I do pray that I will start to meet those who are all about making something for themselves.  I was told that dwelling in the past will destroy my future. I need to set myself free from those who are irrelevant in my life. Their friendship hasn’t really elevated me to the next level of spirituality and finding positivity on earth. I’m too nice and that’s why I hang on to them.

Set your priorities right and know your needs from your wants, so you can stop bothering others with your stupidity when the trouble comes along. If you constantly want to spend foolishly then you alone should bear the consequences when debt comes your way. It really angers me to think that people do want to live foolishly but then it adds spices to the world but I refuse to be in the same bottle with daft individuals.

Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

Countdown To Death

It’s the worst thing ever to be around your loved one but still look over your shoulders under the same roof. Its quite normal to me, it is a ritual to sleep with one eye open. As I stand in the kitchen I smile looking at the shelves just in case I may need to grab the knife first.  The family portraits around us seem so perfect but there is more to it than people know or see. Did you know there is a reason why my loved one wore a red top in the picture that day? It’s to bring a pleasurable moment of satisfaction to my lovers mind. The red shirt signifies the blood I shed when I was taken advantage of, not to even talk about the blood that dripped down my back as I laid their helpless just assuming the position.

What does it matter anyway to anyone? I have found a way to calm myself down with a metal toy. I grab this metal toy of mine in lust, thinking of how it will give me such a great orgasm and my sticky red blood will flow down my decaying and now cold body. There is a reason I purposely and wrongly crossed the road without looking, it’s just for a bigger moving metal to hit me and get it over with. I hear the sad stories on the news and I question myself is it my time to go?. My life has flashed before my eyes during my terrifying dreams but the battle is too powerful so I question myself in doubt is it truly my soul to keep? And should I begin to countdown as I watch this deep shit roll me up like a blunt and then ill burn to death? But then again the tears of a friend may put the fire out to save me before the fire consumes me….Just Maybe.


Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

The Good In Goodbye

I must write this letter or should I say this sentence maybe it’s because you are annoyingly shouting over my head so I may not write this completely. I look at you and really want to shut you up, a bit in a violent way but its not who I am so maybe with a huge pillow in your mouth. Today is one of those days that I just don’t want to be bothered. I’m sick and tired of these verbal lashes against my ear drums. Welcome to this new definition of love where the candy goes from sweet to sour and dissolves to an acid that burns ouch!. “Ouch” the same word I said when I heard those painful words you used the other day, there just too heartbreaking to share with the world.

I’m surprised that you are able to walk well after prancing back and forth in anger seeking desperate attention that I clearly am not going to give you. I am muting this ipod in hopes that maybe you will have gone to sleep but gosh you’re on the phone with someone bitching about the same old shit. Ok now it’s getting really annoying this drama sequel I did not plan to be a part of.  Enough is enough just because I’m being quite doesn’t mean I can’t do something really bad. Haven’t you heard the silent ones are the most dangerous?. Guess you haven’t because you don’t pay attention to anything and that’s why it’s no surprise that you talk without thinking. Always jumping to conclusion and stirring up a rotten soup.

 You don’t matter much to me though, I’m thinking of wrapping and crushing you up like a toilet paper and flushing you. I’m taking the garbage out proudly for once in my life but dam you smell of evil intents, lies and so much other unwanted, unspeakable waste. Thank God I found the good in good bye. Thank God I am seeing the joy of throwing away a used product that definitely doesn’t need to be recycled for any reasons at all without any questions or doubt. 


Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

End Me Now

Maybe I should just burn my tongue so it would restrict me from saying how I feel about you but for now ill leave it at “I truly do hate you”. Maybe I should cut my hands off so in defense I don’t have to strike and kill you in anger. I’m thinking I should cut my ear off so I won’t have to bother hearing you say that you will be happy when I die. I’m thinking I should grind my legs to shreds so I won’t have to walk out on you when your choking on a poisoned meal I specially made for you.  I am done smoking weed for your pleasure and for you to see me hallucinate and strip myself naked foolishly.  Even though we tried, we can deny we left our love at shore and now I’m deep in the ocean left to drown. You just couldn’t help yourself, the excitement you get using your hands on me, I just can’t understand it but at least for my sake just make it easier by pulling the trigger. It’s very easy and you’re already on your way to being a murderer

You might as well just begin purchasing my casket since you have every intent to kill me. Today I am bleeding with the sores on my body, my mouth is dry like I have cotton balls stuffed down my throat. My legs feel too heavy like I have been swimming for hours. I’m sitting down in the bath tub with my back turned towards the shower curtains, its just so I wont have to see what you will strike me with this time. I’m pretty sure it won’t be with an umbrella, a frying pan or your new lover’s heels because you have used those already.

Lastly I want to thank you for my finger you cut by slamming the door on it and wrapping it up for my birthday present at least it was better than  the time you offered me to your visitors that raped me and left me as a desert for their dogs to taste as well. If I had one wish it will be for you to have a heart at least and take it easy with the method you use to ruthlessly destroy my body and bury me under… 


Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

Sin Is Sin

The wait has been over and ever since I took a pleasurable journey of satisfaction into my personal bedroom. I never knew my bedroom to be a public matter though because it feels like people are just banked on seeking who is under my sheets.

Say hello to the person I have become; I make mistakes just to learn who I am. I do not apologize for who I am; it’s not my duty for me to make you understand me. I am not measured by what you think of me.

I do strongly suggest people take a seat and watch. We have only one life to live, so instead of concentrating my entire physicality on earth trying to change someone or judge someone I would rather mind my own business.

We were born into sin and yet we are all sinners. We are constantly fighting sin, something’s I do I still question if they are truly sin, but I’m still awaiting an answer from my father above and not from a human like myself. I pray to the most high to forgive me but when will others pray for their own sins and forgiveness?  Sin is sin, there is no big or small sin, thou shall not be deceived and I will pray for thou to be saved from stupidity believing that one sin is more than another.

Some of us live to be a walking hanger, to be an advertisement for fashion which is cool but when we become evil, selfish and rely on someone’s wealth to complete our wardrobes then it gets crazy. Some of us passionately find the ultimate joy or happiness in spreading our legs wide for all to come in, I guess we are all welcome to the after party.  Some of us are a bit advanced in our ages but still feel the need to battle the younger ones for a title that is not even present. We don’t like to be judged or labeled on or by our flaws or dirty secrets. Yet we find have built this firm block of stupidity and have the boldness to point fingers, its quite pathetic if you ask me… 


Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved

The Lipstick Diary

                         I believe that only the artist of an unknown, unspoken dimension can execute the unimaginable piece of art  he has created from his vision provided from a higher place. In terms of growth and being on a journey to feel the endless power there is a part of me that feels like I'm not afraid of what i will face but I'm afraid to stay. I may be highly influenced by some things around me and the city of grief isn't my inspiration. There is only so much you can learn in one place, through my journey i was blinded to the truth but i made sure i was ready to tell mine no matter the consequences. The truth comes in different colors but the current one in my life is the red lipstick. The red lipstick is so deadly and full of sin, i have begun the process to fight this battle of mine before it becomes a skin pigmentation for life.

                        Even though the red lipstick may have been smudged on paper or left a mark on professional shirts doesn't make me the worst person in the world. Sin is sin and i pray to the almighty father to forgive me. Who ever that doesn't have sin can cast the first stone is what i read in the bible but its seems like people of today are pure from birth. I'm sure the pastor didn't lie to me when he said we were born into sin and are constantly fighting sin. There is no big and small sin, only my father above can judge me on my sins knowingly and unknowingly. The red lipstick sums it all but I'm leaving it on a national protected stand in a museum in hopes it will save lives.
                       
                        I decided to jump to another destination that will take me to the unimaginable pastures of success but most of all happiness. My new destination will help me appreciate my biology without the extra seasoning an outsider expects or wants for me. Loving myself will be simply mind blowing, as i shower myself with endless opportunities and cover my tender body with grand labels. I will do anything for me till i am ready to share it with someone who is worth it.
                         Looking into the mirror is a mental challenge or  a battle to resist the back flashes of previous dirty secrets we keep. Its like a writing on the wall, you can see it daily and its always there to remind you. The city represented a mirror that reflected nothing but the past that needed to buried underneath . I now seek a proper chapter to write in my life, one that will bring nothing but true happiness. Life is a runway so i definitely want to strut on the atmospheric, futuristic runway in front of millions. For once i can come out of the house and smile to the wonderful world and not regret leaving my house. This journey will be a tough one but i rather go face it and know there is a grand prize in the end from officials who appreciate and recognize talent.

                        There is a microphone presently waiting for me and i will hopefully get to speak the inconvenient truth that sparks the interest of this fruitful city. Hopefully it wont be late for others to realize their worth and take steps towards being that entrepreneur or legend they hope to be. My prayer is for us to be granted our wishes, everything we touch will be golden. May we find favours or help from wise and well established men and women of the world. Those swimming in billions will cross path with us and an immediate connection shall be installed. The ladder to success shall never be broken or taken away from our journey. Lastly the words of wisdom will flow endlessly from our mouths and will capture nations, locally and internationally. Hopefully the words we speak will sink in the memory of millions and billions even trillions will be saved from destruction........Amen

Copywritten (c) by Biodun Abudu. All rights reserved